The Build Up

I met with my Surgeon a week after my final Chemo session. This was the planning appointment for my surgery. I was anxious in the car on the way there, I knew the surgery was necessary and was definitely going to happen. This appointment was going to give me a date for it and therefore made it all very REAL.

At this appointment I had repeat scans performed; mammogram and ultrasound scans. These were to provide the surgeon with the most up to date information alongside the results from the CT scan I had 3 weeks previously.

The Surgeon was happy with the scan results which showed some reduction in the size of the tumours since the mid-way scans I had approximately 10 weeks previously.

She was planning the mastectomy surgery for four weeks time. She advised me to start a high protein diet, to include two eggs per day to my normal diet and an orange every day to increase my vitamin c intake. The orange is no problem but eggs were the worst thing she could suggest I haven’t eaten an egg in over 20 years as I don’t like them…this will prove interesting!!

I was advised to spend the weeks before the surgery building myself back up in order to cope better with the anaesthetic and the surgery itself. I continued to go to work for the next 3 weeks. I was still very fatigued following the chemo treatments. However, instead of the gradual decline in my energy levels that I had been experiencing over the past few months, I began to notice some small improvement in my energy levels.

Over this period I noticed that my hair was starting to regrow, much as I looked like a cross between a tennis ball and peach fuzz. To me it was an indication that normality was beginning to return after the trauma of the chemo treatments. However, I had been warned that the Docetaxyl drug I received in the final three chemo sessions could cause fingernails and toenails to fall off…I had been diligently painting my nails with dark nail varnish as a friend had read that this could reduce the likelihood of nail loss. Unfortunately this didn’t work for me. Over these few weeks post chemo and pre surgery my nails on both my hands and feet began to fall off. Not all at once but every few days another one would disappear! For me it wasn’t as sore as I had expected, as there was always a nail already trying to grow in underneath. But it was pretty ugly looking I’m afraid!! I’m now down 8 fingernails and 6 toenails. I look forward to the treat of a lovely manicure and pedicure but will wait until they all regrow first!!

Click on this link for information re nail loss post chemo

Maybe a smidge too big!!

I started to get organised for the surgery and also for after it. I bought pyjamas that button up at the front and also about 5 sizes too big!!! (makes it easier to take them on and off). I made sure I had a few shirts and hoodies that were generous in size and that either buttoned or zipped up at the front to avoid having to lift my arm up when dressing. I also bought a V-shaped pillow to use once I got home from hospital as I would have to sleep fairly upright for a while.


I finished work 10 days prior to my surgery, this felt strange knowing I wouldn’t be a Physio for the next few months. At the same time I knew that I now needed to put 100% of my energy into the stages ahead.

Craig and I went away for a couple of days which was lovely, we slept and ate and slept some more. Sometimes in order to properly switch off your brain and body need to be taken away from their normal situation. I felt rested and relaxed when we came home. This gave me the energy to focus on the surgery the following week.

I was very emotional during the week prior to my surgery, I was crying A LOT. It all seemed so momentous and so unfair that I was in this situation.  It was probably a combination of anxiety about the upcoming surgery combined with fatigue and reduced coping abilities due to the chemo sessions. I think I was trying to process all of the emotions in advance of my surgery. What will it be like? Will it be successful? What if something goes wrong? So many thoughts.

Final Chemo (end of phase one)

My final chemo session seemed to come around very quickly.

In some ways the six sessions passed so much faster than I had imagined. At the start it seems such a long haul to get through. It truly seems so daunting and 18 weeks seems forever. I think because I was so busy with all of the hospital appointments and also trying to maintain some normal structure and routine by continuing to go to work, it suddenly arrived at the final session before I realised it.

The routine of the day was now so familiar. I still found myself becoming anxious for the few days before it and my sleep the night before was poor, probably a cocktail of the steroids and anxiety!

I was told in advance that the last chemo session would be a long day, as unlike all the previous sessions I was to have my bloods done that morning which would delay the process.

I was at the hospital for 8.30am and I went to have my bloods taken and have a cannulae inserted. This took a while as my veins were not enthusiastic about the experience (as per normal)! Several attempts and several very patient nurses later and they eventually found a vein.

We (Craig and I) were to wait for the blood results before meeting the Oncologist, so we ventured off for an hour to get coffee. inspect the cake selection and the partake in the now customary people watching.

We returned to the Chemo unit and met the Consultant Oncologist to discuss the previous session of chemo and what would happen following this session.

My bloods were fine and she confirmed that I would have chemo that day. We were informed that I would meet the Surgeon the following week to arrange dates and finalise the plan for surgery. The Oncologist also briefly discussed the potential start of Radiotherapy. This is normally approximately 6 weeks following surgery, but we would meet with her once my surgery had happened to discuss Radiotherapy in more detail. I suppose at this stage the surgery and Radiotherapy were just words to me I was still focused on my Chemo and wasn’t even starting to contemplate the next steps, this would rapidly change….

We were informed that there would be a delay for several hours, we used our time to visit my parents and have some lunch with them before returning to the hospital for the chemo session.

The chemo unit was frantic that day, so very very busy. We waited another hour before they were able to commence my chemo session. I fell asleep once the drugs were running through the IV bag, it had been such a long day and the anxiety and poor sleep had left me drained.

Click on this link for more information about Anxiety related to Chemotherapy treatment

After an hour the chemo had finished, ….. and that was it ….. I was done with that stage in this journey. I don’t know what I expected but there was no certificate or gold star to say I had successfully completed chemo…a total anti-climax to be honest. I suppose I really didn’t know what to feel or expect…. but I think it was more than this ………..

I said goodbye to the nurses and said “that’s me finished”, we had a couple of hugs and best wishes and left. They were focusing on the next person waiting for their chemo session. To me it felt so momentous that it was finished but no one there seemed to even notice….They are just so busy and I get that.

I have worked in the NHS since I graduated almost nineteen years ago. I know that the system is busy, stretched and there are limited resources and staffing; however, in this journey, in some cases I feel there is a lack of genuine empathy and care. This has surprised me and to be honest disappointed me.

 Is the service that stretched, underfunded, pushed for time, focused on the next patient, driven by statistics and by the numbers that in many cases it has lost sight of the HUMAN aspect of the job……..

Following the chemo session I had a couple of good days whilst still on the steroids, then the joint pains and fatigue began around 3 days after the treatment. The tiredness seemed worse with this final session, probably because I had less energy to start with!! I would feel fine and then suddenly be hit by an overwhelming wave of tiredness that would make me crawl to bed for the remainder of the day.

Click on this link for information about Fatigue related to Chemo treatment

This gradually began to wane around day 7 post treatment. As I began to get stronger again I returned to work gradually building up my hours. 

As I did so I began to contemplate the next phase of this experience.

For the first time since my initial chemo session, over five months ago, I began to really think about the fact that I would be having a Mastectomy in a month…and I truly wept. I suddenly became aware of the next step ……. and I resented it.

My Mum's perspective

This blog post was written by my Mum, it is unedited and she has asked me to post it. The journey I am on is not just having an impact upon me but also on those I am closest to.

SHOCK!  DISBELIEF!  What are you supposed to think when your daughter tells you that she has breast cancer. 

WHY?  HOW?  Why is it not me, or someone else who is older?  

Is it my fault, I had the blueprint for Lorna or half of it anyway? 

 Is it nurture, even though Lorna has lived for longer as an independent adult than under my control/ direction?  Maybe I will wake up and find it was just a nightmare?  

Questions and more questions and no answers that made sense.

I think I was prepared for a small shock.  But to hear MASTECTOMY, CHEMOTHERAPY, RADIOTHERAPY, what all of them! It really was a shock.  But gradually, by going to appointments with Lorna and being able to ask questions of the consultants and specialist nurses and realise they had it all covered and also even telling other people and time passing, a certain acceptance crept in.

The stress of it all even caused tension between my husband and me, but a few vicious words and a vitriolic silence soon cleared the air.

Eventually we could look forward and think about the best we can do to support Lorna, and Craig too in whatever way they need.  It might be going to an appointment, a pot of soup or stew, or maybe just a hug.

Then coughs and colds can intervene and for Lorna's sake you have to take a step back and stay away.  Plans have to be fluid.