15 months of a lifetimes journey

It has now been a year since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. So much has happened during this time. I thought it would be good to reflect back on the sequence of events.

I found the lump in June 2017 whilst on holiday. I was uncertain what it was and was convinced it wasn’t anything serious. I’m young, healthy and have no family history were my thoughts. My husband suggested I go to the GP and have it checked and rule out anything more serious.

I was diagnosed August 2017. I had been referred to the Breast clinic by my GP. At this clinic I had several mammograms and also biopsies were taken. The biopsies confirmed I had breast cancer.

Initially the plan was to have surgery first, followed by chemotherapy. However, the sequence was swapped, two weeks later in Sept 2017, I commenced chemotherapy – I had 6 sessions one every 3 weeks.

I had a mastectomy in Feb 2018 – during the following weeks I began a very gradual and basic exercise and stretch regime to get movement into my left shoulder again. Daily I included 2 eggs alongside 2 Fortisip drinks into my diet to help promote wound healing, this was recommended by my Surgeon who advises a high protein diet pre and post surgery. 

I started lymphatic drainage massage of my arm twice daily following my surgery. This has to be done daily for the rest of my life.

I commenced taking Tamoxifen daily in Feb 2018 and will continue to do so for the next ten years.

I’ve received 15 radiotherapy sessions commencing April 2018.

This finished in May 2018.

I am awaiting further reconstruction surgery Nov/Dec 2018.

Now what....

For a year I’ve had my life ruled and dictated by hospital appointments. Now it has moved onto....nothing. It is such a strange feeling, it’s almost as though something is missing? There is a void that has yet to be filled.

I am incredibly relieved to now be in the rebuilding phase but at the same time it’s such a huge readjustment.

Being in this new phase, means really positive steps forward. I have had my first proper holiday for over a year, possibly the laziest holiday I’ve ever had!! A combination of sleeping and eating – exactly what was needed. However, having lots of time to think also provides the opportunity to process the whirlwind that has happened over the past year.

As much as I was incredibly happy to be on holiday with my fantastic and supportive husband, I found myself really emotional. Crying a LOT! Often with no warning and for absolutely no reason! Charmer aren’t I! Lol!

Looking back, it was the first time in ten months that I had nothing to do, no appointments to remember, no treatment to prepare for. I was grieving for the Lorna I used to be....the person who had endless amounts of energy and didn’t have to plan out their day according to how tired I would be. The Lorna who could teach 4 Pilates classes and still be able to do the housework, go to the gym and get up the next day and do the same again....Now it’s a very different situation. My body is physically weaker, my energy levels and stamina are so depleted. My mood has wavered a bit, but I am much stronger and more determined than I would ever have believed!

In some ways it’s so difficult to see where to start, the easy thing would be not to challenge myself, to continue pottering along.

That really isn’t me. I have started introducing some regular exercise, there is a fantastic programme funded by Macmillan called ‘Move More’ it provides classes and access to local leisure facilities for people with a cancer diagnosis.  It felt so good, the first day I went swimming, like I was gaining some independence back. It also allowed me to create my own new routine; swimming, Pilates and the gym. Much nicer options than hospital appointments!

Click on the link for more information about Move More

The return to exercise is both a physical and mental challenge. Building the confidence to go back into public spaces, unaccompanied, is in itself such a big step. It is empowering to be responsible for myself again. That probably sounds bizarre. Over the past year I have needed family and friends around me to accompany me to appointments, care for me when I was really sick with the chemo, help me following surgery and drive me to radiotherapy. Now I am driving myself to the swimming pool or to Pilates. I decide when I want to go.

My biggest challenge has been dealing with the fact that progress is so slow…I am very impatient with myself!! I want to be the strong, energetic me again and that is a long way off. But I am starting to develop some new traits…acceptance and being less critical of myself. I’m hoping that this will in turn help me to become more patient….a work in progress… but I wish it would hurry up!!!!