Pilates? Oh! I thought you said Pie and lattes!!!

Several months ago I was asked to teach a Pilates class to help raise money for a local breast cancer charity. Of course I agreed straight away and dived headlong into contacting all my Pilates clients to hopefully get some of them to attend. 

However, once I had done all of this the penny dropped….I would have to teach them....Oh crap! Panic! Nausea! Anxiety! Self Doubt….. A nice selection of my feelings at this point.

It had been well over a year since I had last taught any of my Pilates classes. I hadn’t seen the vast majority of my clients since I was ‘healthy Pilates teacher Lorna’. Now I was as far away from looking like a Pilates teacher as you can imagine. My body was weak, achey, overweight and very out of practice.

I used to plan and teach my classes with my own personal philosophy, that if I couldn’t do an exercise myself, I wouldn’t teach it. This was because I find I can teach an exercise better if I know how it feels in my own body when performing it. Also it was to keep pushing myself and classes to be better, to be stronger. 

That philosophy was not going to be feasible at the moment. Even getting up and down from a mat on the floor was a serious challenge for me. I am not exaggerating. The best way to describe it is feeling as though your body has been replaced with that of someone very very old and creaky! 

It feels like my body is letting me down, despite me keeping it mobile and strong prior to my diagnosis and subsequent treatment………. it is failing to uphold its end of the bargain.

It was at this point I began to have second thoughts about teaching the class. My pride was kicking in, I didn’t want my Pilates clients to see me as a pathetic mess. I didn’t want to look weak. Why had I agreed to do it without properly thinking it through?

There were so many issues I was trying to deal with emotionally as well as physically…how do I teach a class whilst not actually doing any of it?  What could I wear, as none of my Pilates clothes fit me anymore? I was caught in the middle of a major dilemma. I really was looking forward to seeing the ladies and gents from my classes and catching up with them. But I didn’t actually want them to see me...I know that sounds odd. My self-confidence and body confidence were at absolute rock bottom.  The other problem I had was my word finding issue. I’ve mentioned it in previous blogs, its often referred to as ‘chemo brain ‘. I still struggle at times to find the correct word or phrase I’m looking for. I was worried this would happen during the class and I’d be left looking totally incompetent. 

I had a few tearful moments during the days before the class. It was emotionally draining as I had panicked myself about what would happen. So many challenges for me to confront but I kept trying to remind myself it wasn’t about me and it was such a good cause. This was difficult to remember and keep in my focus if I’m totally honest as I was getting more and more overwhelmed and nervous.

Lots of people had generously donated and agreed to attend. I had to man or woman up and get on with it.  That morning it was a strange cocktail of pure fear and pure excitement. 

As people started to arrive it got worse, total sweaty palms, dry mouth and nerves! 

Everyone was so lovely and it was so great to have a catch up with them all. So many hugs and kind wishes…what had I been worrying about! The class actually went really well, I had planned a class I would feel confident teaching. There were several stages where I struggled to find the correct words and it took me a little longer between movements and exercises. However, if in doubt my default setting is make a joke of it so that is what I did!  Having my husband Craig, my mum and my sister Claire there too helped so much, they were an excellent distraction!!

Once the class was over the relief was amazing. It also had reminded me how much I love being a Pilates teacher and how much I truly want to return to it. However, this has to be when I am both physically and mentally strong enough. I was exhausted, emotionally as well as physically that evening following the class, all the nervous tension I’d been dealing with had taken its toll.  

I am now much closer to being ‘Pilates teacher Lorna’ again, than I was at that point several months ago. A lot of work still to do to get me there but one step at a time, one day at a time, constantly trying to move forward to BEAT THIS.x

Seeing the light!!

As today is pancake Tuesday I will use this as an opportune time to remind you to check your pancake stacks no matter how big or small or alternatively get someone to check your pancakes for you?!!!

It’s been several months since I last wrote a blog post. I needed to take a rest from it to help me manage my energy levels. I was struggling to juggle my return to work and still have the motivation to write the blog. The time away from writing it allowed me to focus all my energy on returning to the routine of work and recovery. I am now in a much stronger place than I was in the Autumn physically and mentally.

However, it’s easy to feel as though I’m not making progress, I’m not yet back to teaching my Pilates classes and am still physically very weak compared to my normal levels. I have to keep reflecting back on how I was 6 months ago, when I do it highlights to me how much further forward I am now than I was then. I don’t need to rest as often during the day and my memory and concentration are so much better. I was always a bit ditzy anyway so I am pretty much back to my norm! I frequently say oh ‘I didn’t realise.’ Which has been a longstanding joke since my uni days anyway!

It’s so easy to only be aware of what’s happening now and forget to reflect back. It’s reassuring to see the progress I’ve made and continue to make. My patience with myself remains poor, meaning every so often I become very frustrated by my slow progress. At this stage one of my family or friends are good enough to tell me to wind my neck in a bit!

I’m enjoying the structure and routine of work after such a long period off sick. I try to distance myself from stress that will use up the small energy reserves I have. Sometimes this is easier said than done.

I do feel my empathy and patience has changed with my patients in work. Certainly my understanding of the emotional aspect of life changing illness has a new personal aspect.

It’s not a significant change but just something I’m aware of.

This is only a short blog, to say I’m back and I will update you all again very soon. L.x

International awareness

October is breast cancer awareness month. I’m just home from a lovely week in the south of France. It was overwhelming to see the efforts going into ‘Octobre Rose’ to raise vital funds and awareness in Montpellier and Narbonne.

Nice pink pots!!!!

This really is fantastic to see.

 It raises awareness to unprecedented levels. Remember that 1 in 7 women and 1 in 1000 men will develop breast cancer. The more awareness that we can raise the more money goes into research.

Click on this link for information about breast cancer statistics

Please remember to not be MUGS AND CHECK YOUR JUGS

It's off to work we go....

Shortly after I finished my radiotherapy treatment, I attended appointments with Occupational health to discuss how I was going to manage to get myself off the sofa and back into work….

I thought I was ready to consider a return to work, however the first appointment I attended highlighted that I REALLY wasn’t. When I discussed my job role and responsibilities with the doctor, it became clear to both him and to me that I needed more time before a return to work. I needed to be stronger both physically and emotionally. Following this appointment I started having some counselling sessions to help me become more emotionally robust (as I've discussed in my previous blog post).

The irony of the whole situation is: I work as a Physiotherapist in a programme that aims to support people with health conditions to return to the workplace. Maybe I should become a client instead…?

A big step for me towards a return to work was building up my exercise tolerance and stamina. I did this through a regular but gradual return to daily exercise. As I have mentioned in a previous blog, the ‘Move More’ programme funded by Macmillan was a good supportive starting place for this.

Click on this link for more information about Move more programme

Learning to pace myself so I don’t ‘crash and burn’ with fatigue has been incredibly challenging. Part of my job role is educating my clients about the importance of pacing activity and resting at intervals. I do actually know what I should and shouldn’t do, but sometimes I ignore the advice I should actually be taking…always difficult to take your own advice!

Six weeks after the initial appointment, I had a follow up appointment with Occupational health. At this appointment the doctor (with my line manager’s support) and I agreed a return to work plan. 

I was to return to work on a “phased return” basis. I was to gradually increase my working hours over a four week period. The tasks I would start back to would be office based initially, gradually building up to seeing clients again. This was guided and determined by my symptoms.

Click on this link for information about support for return to work

I did not feel as though I was rushing back to work, at this stage it felt right, it felt exciting, I WAS BACK IN CONTROL OF ME !!!

Wow! I was absolutely wiped after the first half day. I was both mentally and physically drained. I came home and had to go to bed for several hours. The concentration I needed for those hours at work; talking to colleagues and re-orientating myself took the most out of me. It had been quite some time since I had been in a situation where I had to communicate with a number of people. I hadn’t been prepared for how tiring this aspect would be.

PACING LORNA…PACING

The second day wasn’t quite as bad. I was still tired and needed to rest but not for as long. With a combination of daily rests and ensuring I was eating energy boosting foods I got through the first week. It was great to be back at work and feel useful and productive again…I am not designed to be a housewife.

Over the past month I have gradually built up my hours, and I have also started walking to and from work rather than driving which has increased the challenge too.

Compared to my starting point a month ago I feel I am both physically and mentally in a totally different place. I am starting to feel like the ‘Lorna’ I used to be even if my hair is still annoyingly short…!!

One positive to come from this experience is I feel I have a better appreciation of how difficult this process can be, how frustrating this process can be but also and most importantly how valuable the skills of pacing my activities can be. 

I think it’s also learning to be kinder to myself and less impatient with myself. Hopefully, my experiences will enhance my approach to my clients when I return to work.

 I have my first client booked in for an appointment........ and...... this Physio ..........is back in the building……