Several months ago I was asked to teach a Pilates class to help raise money for a local breast cancer charity. Of course I agreed straight away and dived headlong into contacting all my Pilates clients to hopefully get some of them to attend.
However, once I had done all of this the penny dropped….I would have to teach them....Oh crap! Panic! Nausea! Anxiety! Self Doubt….. A nice selection of my feelings at this point.
It had been well over a year since I had last taught any of my Pilates classes. I hadn’t seen the vast majority of my clients since I was ‘healthy Pilates teacher Lorna’. Now I was as far away from looking like a Pilates teacher as you can imagine. My body was weak, achey, overweight and very out of practice.
I used to plan and teach my classes with my own personal philosophy, that if I couldn’t do an exercise myself, I wouldn’t teach it. This was because I find I can teach an exercise better if I know how it feels in my own body when performing it. Also it was to keep pushing myself and classes to be better, to be stronger.
It feels like my body is letting me down, despite me keeping it mobile and strong prior to my diagnosis and subsequent treatment………. it is failing to uphold its end of the bargain.
It was at this point I began to have second thoughts about teaching the class. My pride was kicking in, I didn’t want my Pilates clients to see me as a pathetic mess. I didn’t want to look weak. Why had I agreed to do it without properly thinking it through?
There were so many issues I was trying to deal with emotionally as well as physically…how do I teach a class whilst not actually doing any of it? What could I wear, as none of my Pilates clothes fit me anymore? I was caught in the middle of a major dilemma. I really was looking forward to seeing the ladies and gents from my classes and catching up with them. But I didn’t actually want them to see me...I know that sounds odd. My self-confidence and body confidence were at absolute rock bottom. The other problem I had was my word finding issue. I’ve mentioned it in previous blogs, its often referred to as ‘chemo brain ‘. I still struggle at times to find the correct word or phrase I’m looking for. I was worried this would happen during the class and I’d be left looking totally incompetent.
I had a few tearful moments during the days before the class. It was emotionally draining as I had panicked myself about what would happen. So many challenges for me to confront but I kept trying to remind myself it wasn’t about me and it was such a good cause. This was difficult to remember and keep in my focus if I’m totally honest as I was getting more and more overwhelmed and nervous.
Lots of people had generously donated and agreed to attend. I had to man or woman up and get on with it. That morning it was a strange cocktail of pure fear and pure excitement.
As people started to arrive it got worse, total sweaty palms, dry mouth and nerves!
Everyone was so lovely and it was so great to have a catch up with them all. So many hugs and kind wishes…what had I been worrying about! The class actually went really well, I had planned a class I would feel confident teaching. There were several stages where I struggled to find the correct words and it took me a little longer between movements and exercises. However, if in doubt my default setting is make a joke of it so that is what I did! Having my husband Craig, my mum and my sister Claire there too helped so much, they were an excellent distraction!!
Once the class was over the relief was amazing. It also had reminded me how much I love being a Pilates teacher and how much I truly want to return to it. However, this has to be when I am both physically and mentally strong enough. I was exhausted, emotionally as well as physically that evening following the class, all the nervous tension I’d been dealing with had taken its toll.
I am now much closer to being ‘Pilates teacher Lorna’ again, than I was at that point several months ago. A lot of work still to do to get me there but one step at a time, one day at a time, constantly trying to move forward to BEAT THIS.x
No comments:
Post a Comment