Pilates? Oh! I thought you said Pie and lattes!!!

Several months ago I was asked to teach a Pilates class to help raise money for a local breast cancer charity. Of course I agreed straight away and dived headlong into contacting all my Pilates clients to hopefully get some of them to attend. 

However, once I had done all of this the penny dropped….I would have to teach them....Oh crap! Panic! Nausea! Anxiety! Self Doubt….. A nice selection of my feelings at this point.

It had been well over a year since I had last taught any of my Pilates classes. I hadn’t seen the vast majority of my clients since I was ‘healthy Pilates teacher Lorna’. Now I was as far away from looking like a Pilates teacher as you can imagine. My body was weak, achey, overweight and very out of practice.

I used to plan and teach my classes with my own personal philosophy, that if I couldn’t do an exercise myself, I wouldn’t teach it. This was because I find I can teach an exercise better if I know how it feels in my own body when performing it. Also it was to keep pushing myself and classes to be better, to be stronger. 

That philosophy was not going to be feasible at the moment. Even getting up and down from a mat on the floor was a serious challenge for me. I am not exaggerating. The best way to describe it is feeling as though your body has been replaced with that of someone very very old and creaky! 

It feels like my body is letting me down, despite me keeping it mobile and strong prior to my diagnosis and subsequent treatment………. it is failing to uphold its end of the bargain.

It was at this point I began to have second thoughts about teaching the class. My pride was kicking in, I didn’t want my Pilates clients to see me as a pathetic mess. I didn’t want to look weak. Why had I agreed to do it without properly thinking it through?

There were so many issues I was trying to deal with emotionally as well as physically…how do I teach a class whilst not actually doing any of it?  What could I wear, as none of my Pilates clothes fit me anymore? I was caught in the middle of a major dilemma. I really was looking forward to seeing the ladies and gents from my classes and catching up with them. But I didn’t actually want them to see me...I know that sounds odd. My self-confidence and body confidence were at absolute rock bottom.  The other problem I had was my word finding issue. I’ve mentioned it in previous blogs, its often referred to as ‘chemo brain ‘. I still struggle at times to find the correct word or phrase I’m looking for. I was worried this would happen during the class and I’d be left looking totally incompetent. 

I had a few tearful moments during the days before the class. It was emotionally draining as I had panicked myself about what would happen. So many challenges for me to confront but I kept trying to remind myself it wasn’t about me and it was such a good cause. This was difficult to remember and keep in my focus if I’m totally honest as I was getting more and more overwhelmed and nervous.

Lots of people had generously donated and agreed to attend. I had to man or woman up and get on with it.  That morning it was a strange cocktail of pure fear and pure excitement. 

As people started to arrive it got worse, total sweaty palms, dry mouth and nerves! 

Everyone was so lovely and it was so great to have a catch up with them all. So many hugs and kind wishes…what had I been worrying about! The class actually went really well, I had planned a class I would feel confident teaching. There were several stages where I struggled to find the correct words and it took me a little longer between movements and exercises. However, if in doubt my default setting is make a joke of it so that is what I did!  Having my husband Craig, my mum and my sister Claire there too helped so much, they were an excellent distraction!!

Once the class was over the relief was amazing. It also had reminded me how much I love being a Pilates teacher and how much I truly want to return to it. However, this has to be when I am both physically and mentally strong enough. I was exhausted, emotionally as well as physically that evening following the class, all the nervous tension I’d been dealing with had taken its toll.  

I am now much closer to being ‘Pilates teacher Lorna’ again, than I was at that point several months ago. A lot of work still to do to get me there but one step at a time, one day at a time, constantly trying to move forward to BEAT THIS.x

Seeing the light!!

As today is pancake Tuesday I will use this as an opportune time to remind you to check your pancake stacks no matter how big or small or alternatively get someone to check your pancakes for you?!!!

It’s been several months since I last wrote a blog post. I needed to take a rest from it to help me manage my energy levels. I was struggling to juggle my return to work and still have the motivation to write the blog. The time away from writing it allowed me to focus all my energy on returning to the routine of work and recovery. I am now in a much stronger place than I was in the Autumn physically and mentally.

However, it’s easy to feel as though I’m not making progress, I’m not yet back to teaching my Pilates classes and am still physically very weak compared to my normal levels. I have to keep reflecting back on how I was 6 months ago, when I do it highlights to me how much further forward I am now than I was then. I don’t need to rest as often during the day and my memory and concentration are so much better. I was always a bit ditzy anyway so I am pretty much back to my norm! I frequently say oh ‘I didn’t realise.’ Which has been a longstanding joke since my uni days anyway!

It’s so easy to only be aware of what’s happening now and forget to reflect back. It’s reassuring to see the progress I’ve made and continue to make. My patience with myself remains poor, meaning every so often I become very frustrated by my slow progress. At this stage one of my family or friends are good enough to tell me to wind my neck in a bit!

I’m enjoying the structure and routine of work after such a long period off sick. I try to distance myself from stress that will use up the small energy reserves I have. Sometimes this is easier said than done.

I do feel my empathy and patience has changed with my patients in work. Certainly my understanding of the emotional aspect of life changing illness has a new personal aspect.

It’s not a significant change but just something I’m aware of.

This is only a short blog, to say I’m back and I will update you all again very soon. L.x