Emotional Turmoil…….for what reason????

Once I had returned to work I began to focus on the fact that my Dad’s 70^th birthday party was the following week.

He had decided not to have the HUGE party he had originally planned. He didn’t feel it would be safe for me to be in such an environment with lots of people, due to the increased risk of exposure to infection. I had strongly disagreed with this decision and was very vocal about it…..I felt horrendously guilty that he was not having the big party he wanted, simply because of me.

He said that he wanted me to be at his celebration so his choice was to keep it a small event.

During the week before the party I began to get nervous and a little anxious. I was going to be meeting members of our family and close friends of my parents for the first time since my diagnosis and the start of my treatment. 

How would people treat me? Would they feel awkward? Would this make me feel awkward? Would people be overly sympathetic? (‘poor Lorna’) Would I be too tired to attend given the fact that my average bedtime of late is 9pm?

There is nothing worse than an awkward conversation where the other person really doesn’t know what to say and it’s obvious they really don’t want to be there. I didn’t want this to be the case.

I appreciate everyone’s best wishes, kindness and positive encouragement through this experience and it all really does help I promise. However, what doesn’t help are the overly sympathetic ‘poor Lorna comments’ I was anxious that if people at the party spoke to me like this I would probably burst into tears. Not a good look!! This all added to my anxiety about the whole evening.

In addition to my anxiety about people thoughts, a combination of steroids and a much more sedentary lifestyle of late, I had put on weight which meant I had nothing suitable to wear. I had to go clothes shopping for the first time in months.

I have never noticed how hot changing rooms are. This time, wearing my hat to disguise my bald head I was overheating badly!! But fortunately I found a suitable top to go with a pair of trousers I had (which I could still squeeze into) and voila, ….vaguely presentable!

I was aware of the fact I would be wearing my wig, I was unsure if I would feel uncomfortable in it knowing that everyone would know it wasn’t my hair. My eyelashes and eyebrows were really starting to fall out. I was very aware that the 3 or 4 remaining eyelashes on each eye did look quite ridiculous with my attempt to use mascara on them. At least I was able to draw in my now patchy eyebrows to make them slightly more acceptable!

I know this all sounds so self-centred, it wasn’t my party, it was my dad’s but these were some of my thoughts at the time. As I have commented previously, as a woman your hair and make-up are such a big part of your femininity, and when this is taken away from you it’s incredible how vulnerable and unattractive you feel. This in turn has a dramatic and negative effect on your self-confidence and self-esteem.

Click oh this link for information about 'Look Good Feel Better' a UK wide support programme providing free skincare and make up workshops for women with a cancer diagnosis

I was to have my fifth chemo session three days after Dad’s party, it was important that I wasn’t overtired by the event and also that I kept infection free as Chemo would be delayed if I was unwell.

So many things running around my head but at the centre of it was the fact that I wanted desperately to spend time with my Dad on his 70^th birthday.

The party turned out to be an amazing evening. Everyone was in such good form and not once did I feel uncomfortable or awkward. I hope everyone I spoke to felt comfortable too??  I forgot about the fact I was wearing a very glamorous blonde, curly wig and enjoyed all the fun and catching up with everyone. Everyone was really open with me and interested to hear how I was getting on. 

There was no gently, gently don’t mention the ‘C’ word. Phew!!

I along with Craig, my stepdaughter India and her Partner Joel, my parents and my sister Claire were the last to go home, after 1am. (Dad a little unsteady on his feet, thanks to the Grapes I hasten to add). I’m a big girl now staying up past 9pm!

The most important thing was that my Dad had a fabulous evening and a 70^th birthday to remember, and I was able to be part of it.

Normality as much as possible is the key… embrace all that comes my way and employ coping mechanisms accordingly.