The number of emotions I have experienced are overwhelming. It was a shocked feeling initially, which then rapidly became sporadic inconsolable sobbing. The ‘why is this happening to me?’, ‘what have I done to deserve this?’, ‘I am a good person?’, ‘I am a healthy person?’ thoughts.
There are periods of time when you totally forget about it all. This is just glorious, to be in a ’normal’ place again. However, the first time this happened, the return to the true reality felt extremely cruel.
My sleep was and still can be appalling. Often going to bed so tired, mentally, more than anything, desperate for a deep sleep. I would get maybe 2 hours sleep, then my brain would waken me and it would take over. The most random of thoughts in my head, other times it's filled with the vast amount of things we would need to arrange and organise before the proposed surgery date. Obviously the lack of sleep wasn’t helping with my ability to cope with the emotional roller coaster I was experiencing.
We had our belated honeymoon planned for the first two weeks of October. This had to be cancelled.
Trying to maintain positive whilst having to cancel something you have been looking forward to for twelve months isn’t easy.
In November we were to go to Spain to view property with a view to buying for our retirement. This is due to happen in 5 years time. (Will it even happen now???) This had to be cancelled.
What was worse was the guilt, the feeling of responsibility that I am in this mess and having to cancel these amazing trips. But also the impact that this has on my husband and family. I feel this way because I have this thing... this unfair knows no barrier.... all consuming thing called CANCER.
I teach Pilates classes and also work as a Physiotherapist. I knew I would have to try to arrange teachers to cover my classes. It isn't a case of someone covering one class, this would mean entrusting my classes, my business that I have built for 10 years to someone else for an indefinite period of time. My emotions were and can be all over the place, my head was and still is at times.............. spinning.
It’s amazing what you learn about yourself during this process. I have learnt that I am more positive than I ever imagined, I am stronger too.
A friend told me to repeat every morning and evening... I am still Lorna Briggs..say it until you believe it... and say it once more.
A friend told me to repeat every morning and evening... I am still Lorna Briggs..say it until you believe it... and say it once more.
I have also learnt that I am quite a control freak!! I don’t like the unknown. I've found I become anxious when I don't know what is happening about the treatment or care path. This is out of my control, normally I'm the healthcare professional in control, a little reassurance and information can make all the difference.
Click here for information about support for stress and anxiety
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