Despite the CT Scan showing no further spread I was still anxious.
As it was such a small lump I was expecting to be told that a lumpectomy was required.
The surgeon started by reviewing all of the scans and the results to date.
Then, she said it, ‘so we will be doing a mastectomy, followed by chemotherapy and then radiotherapy’… I remember shaking my head and feeling dumbstruck … mastectomy… chemotherapy, radiotherapy, what the F***?? this can't be me they are talking about.
I turned to look at Craig and Claire for their support and they both seemed as confused as me.
The Surgeon seemed equally confused by our reaction. She asked "was this not what I was expecting"? I said "no, I thought such a small lump would only require a lumpectomy" I was struggling to understand why they would have to remove my entire breast for such a tiny lumps.
She was very clear with us that it was important to leave no trace of cancer cells, so the choice would be mastectomy. Due to our difficulty in processing what was planned, she did agree for us to have further tests prior to making a definite date for surgery. She wanted me to have an MRI and a Bone Scan.
The appointment had started late and at this stage it was 5pm.
I was working in an hour... I had to teach two Pilates classes.
My sister drove us home through the busy commuter traffic. There wasn't much chat in the car, we were all still trying to process what had been said. It felt surreal and I felt spaced. I decided not to cancel my classes as I need a distraction, something, anything to take my mind off what had been said. I literally hopped out of the car ran into the house changed and Craig drove me to the classes, (he said that it wasn’t safe for me to drive! probably correct!)
I know it sounded crazy, and I remember Craig and Claire looking at each other with concerned faces when I said that I wanted to teach that night, but for me, I think this was the best thing to do. I was able to focus on the classes and almost forget what had happened for those 2 hours.
After classes Craig collected me, we loaded all of my equipment into the car. I sat in the passenger seat and then it hit me,..... hard. I cried and cried and cried, really ugly crying, gasping for air, nasty crying!! I remember saying, and have said it many times since ‘why is this happening to me’? I have tried to rationalise it, but it can’t be rationalised, It’s just there…....
Please, please share this blog with as many people as you can. We need to raise awareness and it might help save a life☺
Xxxx
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