My mental health

It has taken me a lot of time and deliberation to even contemplate writing this blog post.  In my previous post I mentioned how whilst on holiday I had been incredibly emotional, with lots of ugly crying. When I returned home from holiday I was well rested but still crying unpredictably. I knew I wasn’t feeling myself. I knew it wasn’t my mood as I was actually very positive and making steps towards returning to work. However, I couldn’t stop the crying, it felt out of my control which was increasingly frustrating. No matter what I tried I couldn’t figure out why it was happening and therefore was unable to reduce or stop it.

When I am employed as a Physio I work within a mental health team and regularly work with people with depression, anxiety and mood issues. I was becoming a little concerned that should I return to work I would end up crying whilst talking to a patient…not the most professional behaviour and not ideal with patients who are struggling with their own mental health issues!

I made the decision to speak to a counsellor; I wanted to get the crying under MY control. I wanted to be able move forwards, to take the next step which for me was potentially returning to work. I didn’t deliberate over this decision to speak to a counsellor, I simply knew I needed support from an outside source, someone who could be objective.

Click on this link for information about how counselling can be of help

Contacting the counsellor was the one of BEST decisions I have made. In the first session we talked about my emotional state and she suggested that I was going through a grieving process. She felt I needed to give myself permission to cry?? Random I know! However, incredibly after that first session I felt I was back in control again.  On the occasions when I did cry, I said “it’s ok to cry” inwardly to myself and this would quickly stop me crying. This makes going out in public much easier!! No streaky makeup or running mascara! I found by doing this I was crying much less often and for short bursts rather than the uncontrollable sobbing I had been prone to…I truly am a charmer!

I have now had several counselling sessions and am continuing to attend these. I feel I have moved forwards so much compared to the Lorna who finished Radiotherapy 4 months ago. I am becoming emotionally stronger and more robust. I would be lying if I said I don’t get upset anymore, however I feel I can manage this now.

Counselling really worked for me, but not everyone feels comfortable opening up and talking to a stranger. It has to be the right fit individually for you. Maybe that is talking to a friend, a relative. Just don’t keep all the emotions inside, building up. Sometimes it helps if it’s someone who doesn’t know you.

This subject shouldn’t be a difficult one to talk about, but it is. I am a fairly private person so discussing this in a blog has been more challenging for me than talking about boobs…that’s second nature at this stage!!!

I was very fortunate to get the counselling sessions provided through Action Cancer. Macmillan and Cancer Focus NI also provide counselling services to those with a cancer diagnosis.

Click on this link for information about accessing counselling services

It is ok to reflect back on what has happened and acknowledge it. For me it’s now about moving forward…bring it on.

Chemo begins...

A reposting of my initial chemo session. This happened one year ago... 

The drive to the hospital that morning was a nervous one, strangely more so than the previous day (when chemo had been delayed 24 hours). To distract ourselves we played ‘I spy’. Of course, this led to conflict as we both “debated” over the rules!!!!

When we arrived we were instructed to go up to the Chemo treatment area. I walked through the door followed by Craig. It is a large clinical room with 8 chemo chairs positioned around the walls. About 6 were occupied by patients. Some had carers with them and some who had a nurse and carer with them.

I stood at the nursing station beside the entrance and waited to introduce myself….and waited….and waited. Getting progressively more anxious and angry, a number of staff walked past and didn’t even acknowledge we were there. After about 5 minutes Craig had to interrupt and introduce us and state that I was there to start my first chemo session.

The Nurse pointed to a free chair and told me to go and sit in it. We sat there for another 20 mins … no one came near us.

As time progressed I was becoming significantly more anxious and agitated and to be honest very cross. Even as I write this I feel myself becoming agitated and very emotional. Just to clarify this for those of you who don’t know me. I am not normally an anxious person, I am a fairly laid back and easy going person. I have spent a large part of my working life in clinical situations and on wards in hospitals and pride myself on my patient care and communication.

Craig went back to the nursing station to ask “what was going on” and state that we had been waiting for 20 minutes with NO further acknowledgement.

EVENTUALLY a nurse came over and politely introduced herself.

At this point emotions spilled over and I started to cry. I was so nervous. I was anxious about what to expect and to be honest I felt so neglected by the staff that morning. It felt as though they were oblivious of how I was feeling and to them it was just another day, but to me … it was so momentous, this was the start of the treatment that is going to SAVE MY LIFE.

Often in jobs in the NHS we become caught up in the routine and forget that this is lifesaving treatment. Each person in those eight chemo chairs is an individual with their own feelings, worries, and asking themselves...... will I survive? If this doesn’t work will I die? Therefore an empathetic and sympathetic approach is vital, a one size fits all approach just doesn’t cut it.

Click here to understand why they are so busy

Up to this point the service we had received from all of the staff in both the surgical clinic and the Oncology clinic had been empathetic and exceptional. I think I felt so let down and disappointed, it was overwhelming.

The nurse reacted to my crying mess by pulling the curtains round and giving us some privacy. She listened to us as we expressed our disappointment and anger at the poor reception we had received. I highlighted that this was my first attendance for Chemo, I had never been in the room before and it was the unknown that was most daunting.

All we wanted was someone to acknowledge us, walk us the 10 metres to the chair and say ‘we are busy today, have a seat someone will be with you very shortly’. Not big demands or requests I don’t think!!! The nurse offered us the opportunity to make a complaint which we declined.

The nurse was brilliant so gentle and kind, she talked us through the chemo sequence. She reviewed all of the drugs with us and it never felt like she was rushing through. 

She inserted a cannula into my very poor veins!!  (I have very inaccessible veins, more of that later) a challenge to her skills!!

The tray of syringes arrived. As we had been warned they were daunting looking. 2 Large red Syringes and 4 other clear syringes  two of each of the three drugs I was to receive.

She started to slowly inject the first syringe. I was encouraged to keep drinking water throughout this. She kept checking my forearm to ensure the veins were still stable. My forearm began to get extremely cold. Craig felt my arm and said it was ice cold and asked “should it be this way?” The nurse then requested a heat pack, which was positioned on my forearm to help reduce the cold and therefore improve the process of injecting the chemo drugs.

Click on this link for information about the Chemo drug combination

One by one the syringes were injected, six large syringes later and they were done, an IV bag of saline was run through to clear the lines.

Whilst she was injecting the syringes the nurse chatted away to us, which was so important. We gossiped away, she told us about herself and asked about us, this was vital as it acts as a distraction during what is a rather an unpleasant experience. We were also offered a cup of tea which was very much needed with a lovely piece of shortbread, always a bonus!!

The whole chemo delivery process took about 80 mins.

Before we were allowed to leave we had the medications I would need to take over the next 3 days explained to us, a combination of oral steroids and anti-sickness tablets to manage the nausea the Chemo drugs would cause.

I was encouraged to keep drinking water to flush the drugs through my system and also warned that the chemo drugs would make my pee red!!

We drove home and I rested on the settee ........ and then it started……

Chemotherapy education session

This is a reposting of an early blog. This was a year ago. In some ways it seems a lifetime ago....

As I mentioned in the previous blog post, Craig and I were to attend the Chemo education the day before my treatment was due to start.

The education session was taken by a lovely nurse who was very tolerant of our rather inappropriate statements and sense of humour, and she gladly joined in, to be honest it made the process easier for us to handle, its a coping mechanism and it's us.

She explained the Chemotherapy drug regime; for me it is to be 3 sessions of a drug combination and then a further 3 sessions with an additional drug introduced. Each chemo session is to happen every three weeks.

Most of the potential side effects were highlighted; nausea, fatigue, temperature spikes, bruising, diarrhoea, constipation, tiredness, fuzzy memory, infection risk and hair loss…here’s hoping I don’t get them all…Lol!!

It was a very interactive experience. She welcomed our questions and queries and answered them all. It never felt as though we were being rushed or under any time constraints. Which is so important in this situation, as we had so many things we wanted to clarify and confirm.

She discussed the process of the Chemotherapy session. I will be seated in a special dentist’s style chair whilst the treatment occurs. We were warned about the number and size of syringes which will arrive in a tray from Pharmacy. It was highlighted as people have been overwhelmed by this in the past. Each syringe is delivered slowly through a cannula, to ensure no damage to the vein.

Click here for information about Chemo and its side effects

It was reassuring to know and understand more about the sequence and routine of Chemo. I think a lot of the anxiety and nerves I have been experiencing have been due to the unknown. All the advice was supported with handouts, leaflets and links for websites we could look up for further information at home. It was made very clear that they are there to support us and to call if we had any questions.

I obviously can’t name the nurse who led our Chemo education session, but I can’t praise her highly enough. We both left feeling more reassured and relaxed about what was to follow….

Please share this blog with as many people as you can, so we can raise awareness and make a difference. 

Here is a link to our Facebook page, please click on the link and like and share. Please post and contribute any relevant links or information.

Click here for our Facebook page

FEARS CONFIRMED

Due to all the great support I’ve had recently this is a repost

On returning to the clinic we met the Consultant and the Breast Specialist Nurse.

What happened next still feels bizarre, surreal and blurry.

As lovely as the Consultant had been, she was very direct and said 

‘The fine needle biopsy results are back and its not what we expected, I’m sorry to tell you, but we have found cancerous cells present in your breast and axillary lymph nodes ’

I just felt like I’d fallen into alternative reality.  I felt like I had been punched in the stomach with an unwielding force. I couldn’t process what was being said. I started to cry. I had gone into shock. They asked if I had any questions…nope nothing, my brain had gone to mush. I honestly couldn’t process the information enough to formulate even the most basic of questions. 

Neither Craig nor I had prepared ourselves for this.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE  REMEMBER MY OLD ATTITUDE TOWARDS 

BREAST CANCER

I’m too young, I have very few risk factors, I lead a healthy lifestyle and exercise regularly. I’m alright, not my problem, always happens to other people, nothing to worry about because it won’t happen to me.

Probably similar thoughts as most of you have while reading this.

(How many of the above do you fall into?)

15 months of a lifetimes journey

It has now been a year since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. So much has happened during this time. I thought it would be good to reflect back on the sequence of events.

I found the lump in June 2017 whilst on holiday. I was uncertain what it was and was convinced it wasn’t anything serious. I’m young, healthy and have no family history were my thoughts. My husband suggested I go to the GP and have it checked and rule out anything more serious.

I was diagnosed August 2017. I had been referred to the Breast clinic by my GP. At this clinic I had several mammograms and also biopsies were taken. The biopsies confirmed I had breast cancer.

Initially the plan was to have surgery first, followed by chemotherapy. However, the sequence was swapped, two weeks later in Sept 2017, I commenced chemotherapy – I had 6 sessions one every 3 weeks.

I had a mastectomy in Feb 2018 – during the following weeks I began a very gradual and basic exercise and stretch regime to get movement into my left shoulder again. Daily I included 2 eggs alongside 2 Fortisip drinks into my diet to help promote wound healing, this was recommended by my Surgeon who advises a high protein diet pre and post surgery. 

I started lymphatic drainage massage of my arm twice daily following my surgery. This has to be done daily for the rest of my life.

I commenced taking Tamoxifen daily in Feb 2018 and will continue to do so for the next ten years.

I’ve received 15 radiotherapy sessions commencing April 2018.

This finished in May 2018.

I am awaiting further reconstruction surgery Nov/Dec 2018.

Now what....

For a year I’ve had my life ruled and dictated by hospital appointments. Now it has moved onto....nothing. It is such a strange feeling, it’s almost as though something is missing? There is a void that has yet to be filled.

I am incredibly relieved to now be in the rebuilding phase but at the same time it’s such a huge readjustment.

Being in this new phase, means really positive steps forward. I have had my first proper holiday for over a year, possibly the laziest holiday I’ve ever had!! A combination of sleeping and eating – exactly what was needed. However, having lots of time to think also provides the opportunity to process the whirlwind that has happened over the past year.

As much as I was incredibly happy to be on holiday with my fantastic and supportive husband, I found myself really emotional. Crying a LOT! Often with no warning and for absolutely no reason! Charmer aren’t I! Lol!

Looking back, it was the first time in ten months that I had nothing to do, no appointments to remember, no treatment to prepare for. I was grieving for the Lorna I used to be....the person who had endless amounts of energy and didn’t have to plan out their day according to how tired I would be. The Lorna who could teach 4 Pilates classes and still be able to do the housework, go to the gym and get up the next day and do the same again....Now it’s a very different situation. My body is physically weaker, my energy levels and stamina are so depleted. My mood has wavered a bit, but I am much stronger and more determined than I would ever have believed!

In some ways it’s so difficult to see where to start, the easy thing would be not to challenge myself, to continue pottering along.

That really isn’t me. I have started introducing some regular exercise, there is a fantastic programme funded by Macmillan called ‘Move More’ it provides classes and access to local leisure facilities for people with a cancer diagnosis.  It felt so good, the first day I went swimming, like I was gaining some independence back. It also allowed me to create my own new routine; swimming, Pilates and the gym. Much nicer options than hospital appointments!

Click on the link for more information about Move More

The return to exercise is both a physical and mental challenge. Building the confidence to go back into public spaces, unaccompanied, is in itself such a big step. It is empowering to be responsible for myself again. That probably sounds bizarre. Over the past year I have needed family and friends around me to accompany me to appointments, care for me when I was really sick with the chemo, help me following surgery and drive me to radiotherapy. Now I am driving myself to the swimming pool or to Pilates. I decide when I want to go.

My biggest challenge has been dealing with the fact that progress is so slow…I am very impatient with myself!! I want to be the strong, energetic me again and that is a long way off. But I am starting to develop some new traits…acceptance and being less critical of myself. I’m hoping that this will in turn help me to become more patient….a work in progress… but I wish it would hurry up!!!!