Damn those adverts!

Apologies for not posting for a while, a lot has been happening and I’m now strong enough again.

My previous blog posts have been related to the journey I am on.  What I describe in this post isn’t how I feel all the time but it relates how to I feel at certain moments.

Over the past few months since my diagnosis, I have become increasingly aware of the TV adverts for Cancer charities. I don’t recall them having the same impact upon me previously. There seem to be a few ads recently that are focusing on the aspects of treatment. I have found that I become really upset if I watch them so I now tend to change the channel in order to avoid them. I have never been so emotionally affected by them in the past. But I suppose my sensitivity to their message is more heightened at the moment.

I think the Cancer charities do fantastic work both with research but also with support to both patients and their families. However, what has been frustrating me in my opinion is that the ads aren’t targeted at the right people.

The person I was eight months ago didn’t have the same reaction to the ads that I do now. I am sure I’m not the only person in this situation. I feel they need to rethink who they are targeting the ad towards, the person who is currently in the midst of their treatment certainly doesn’t need to be reminded of how difficult and traumatic this is. The person who hasn’t been diagnosed or hasn’t been tested won’t comprehend the severity of the journey ahead, because most of us are in the ‘it won’t happen to me’ mindframe.

It’s not just the TV ads that I find upset me, I was in a shop a few weeks ago and was paying at the check out. There was a bag packing charity collection going on. I only had one item so didn’t need their help. I threw some money in the bucket anyway and as I did it registered with me that it was a cancer charity collection. I burst into tears there at the check out in front of all those strangers. I hastily left and cried my way along the street, rather unfortunate and ever so slightly embarrassing!

I find its often at the most unexpected times and inopportune moments that I am taken by surprise and I am unprepared for the emotional reaction that ensues…. This I find frustrating as I begin to feel stronger and more in control again only to be thrown off course by a TV ad….

I'm so very tired....

I find day to day I can forget about my diagnosis a lot more now, it isn’t preying on my mind as much as in the initial few months. Despite this now being Chemo session 5 and a significant amount of the experience feeling routine at this stage. Every time we go to the hospital for another round of Chemo it is a really emotional process. It is a blatant reminder - ‘you have breast cancer’.  It would be lovely to erase the knowledge from my memory, unfortunately that’s not an option….

I attended the Chemo unit 3 days after my Dad’s party, I was well and energy levels were good. As was now the normal routine, I had my bloods taken the day before at my GP surgery and had commenced my steroids.

Craig and I initially met with the Oncologist she was happy with my blood tests and was interested in any side effects I had experienced with the Docetaxel drug.  I reported the ankle joint pains and the total exhaustion I had experienced. She acknowledged that these were common side effects with Docetaxel. She advised me to continue the use of pain relief as required for the joint pains. The fatigue she advised was something I would have to monitor and adjust my activity levels accordingly especially as regards work. She confirmed Chemo would go ahead and we were asked to return in an hour once Pharmacy had made up the drugs.

We went for our now obligatory visit to the canteen for coffee and people watching. Part of our routine.

When we returned I was allocated a chair in the chemo treatment room. A nurse I hadn’t met previously came to insert the cannulae…this went badly. She started poking and prodding my arm for veins, she attempted to insert the cannulae several times each time I watched as my arm became more bruised. I was rapidly losing confidence in her and I could see she was becoming more anxious which in turn made me feel uncomfortable. She eventually admitted defeat and asked if a nurse who I had met previously would take over. She tried several times but because of the now badly bruised arm she had less options to chose from. Fortunately she had success, and the cannulae was inserted. I was relieved but feeling very delicate at this stage.

The chemo ran through in approximately an hour with no further complications. We left the hospital and headed home for a quiet dinner and restful evening - well deserved and needed!

  

I slept very badly that night due to the steroids, I had to return to the hospital the next morning at 9am for a repeat CT scan with contrast. I was extremely tired, eyes hanging out of their sockets and looking like my arms had been mangled….The poor Radiographer looked horrified and I could see him panicking where he would be able to get IV access. I said just use the back of my hand, I knew it would be much sorer but otherwise it looked impossible. I was told afterwards that I would have the results in a few weeks.

My sleep over the next few nights was very disturbed (due to the steroids), I couldn’t get to sleep and was awake until around 4am each night. However, once I stopped the steroids (day 2 post chemo) the sleeplessness stopped and the ankle pain and exhaustion returned. Fab!

In addition the soles of my feet were also feeling numb, the best way to describe the feeling is as though you have sponges under the balls of your feet and are standing on them…weird I know. This along with joint pains wasn’t a pleasant experience.

I slept a lot for the next 3 days and then my energy levels began to improve. It feels almost as though you go into a form of automatic hibernation for a few days. Your body senses it needs to shut down in order to cope. Then like a very slow and sore tortise you gradually re emerge into civilisation!!!